Writing Out My Feelings

I know I talk about this quite often here, which is funny because I can't even commit to writing here very much, but living back home is terrible. Here's a little insight on my life: I have a terrible relationship with my family. I'm able to put on a brave face that majority of the time now, but truth is, this bond is pretty broken. I'm not quite sure that it's ever going to be fixed, or even if I want it fixed. Last time I lived in this house full time, I was cripplingly sad (never actually diagnosed with depression but with what I know about the disease, it's pretty definite that that is what I dealt with, and still deal with, but alas, I was never diagnosed and I will only be referencing it as being sad) and had a panic attack near every day. Also, I don't remember a ton about anything before high school. A lot of things will be forgotten as you get older, I know, but it's pretty alarming how little I do remember and the tone of the memories I do have. I don't know if I was a particularly sad or happy child, but I do remember being a very, very lonely child. I always had friends but I never felt like they, or anyone else in my life, would be permanent or even stick through a trying time. 

Anyway, why am I bringing this up? I don't know. Things are getting pretty rough for me. I'm still unable to find a job, or even get an interview for that matter. I am constantly trapped in this house that has never felt like a home. I don't have any friends here, and I don't have an escape. It's like I'm back where I started. When I went away to college, things started getting better and then they became great. I'd have minor relapses in my mental health, but they were so few and far between that I was able to handle it. Now it's not going so well. I've never felt so alone, or anxious, or sad. I sleep all the time because it's easier to escape what I'm living rather than deal with it. I have zero motivation to do what I once loved like workout or leave the house. I don't know why I'm even trying anymore. I'm going through the few motions I can muster and I'm not even doing those well, clearly. This is no way to live, but it's also the only way I know how to live right now? 

Thankfully, I do have supportive friends that live far away. We talk as much as possible and, bless their hearts, I must be bugging the crap out of them at this point. They try to be as supportive as possible, but it's hard when they don't know how bad it is? I'm drowning here. I know they can't save me, because this is my own fight. It's just nice to know that somebody's around to throw out a life jacket.