Race to the Castle: I've Made a Big Mistake

Hi, I'm the worst. I know. I haven't updated in awhile, and last you heard from me, I was doing pretty well with this whole thing. You know how much progress I've made in my running since then? Absolutely none. I haven't put my shoes to attempt to run once since then. Like I said, I'm the worst.

I do have some updates, though. I want to be serious about this, so last week I registered for the Wine and Dine half marathon. That's a lot of money to spend, so I better start working.

That's all I have for this week. I promise to have a better update next week.

Race to the Castle: I'm Feeling Good

I can't believe it's already time to write about this stuff again. As Race to the Castle is becoming more a part of my life, it's becoming more fun to write. In the beginning, I would dread writing this post, but now, it's kind of fun. Maybe it's because I'm actually starting to make progress?

So, this week I made it out of the house to walk/run five times. I know it's still not the full seven that I'm going for, but I'm not really caring anymore. Oh! I'm also running a full quarter mile now without stopping. That may seem like nothing, but it's huge to me.

I'm growing a little concerned about my ankles though. I have this weird thing that happens where the muscles right above my ankle on the outside of my leg get really tight and then start hurting a lot. I think it's something that might have to do with hydration and not stretching well enough. Hopefully I'll figure out how to fix it before I get actually hurt.

But in happier news, I may have lost weight! Some of my older clothes are fitting better, which is awesome. I've been trying to eat better, or at least eat less of the bad stuff that I love. Today I ate something friend and now I feel horrible, so I guess that means that changes are happening.

That's all I've got for this week. It was a little more of a heath update, but who cares. See y'all next week!

Writing Out My Feelings

I know I talk about this quite often here, which is funny because I can't even commit to writing here very much, but living back home is terrible. Here's a little insight on my life: I have a terrible relationship with my family. I'm able to put on a brave face that majority of the time now, but truth is, this bond is pretty broken. I'm not quite sure that it's ever going to be fixed, or even if I want it fixed. Last time I lived in this house full time, I was cripplingly sad (never actually diagnosed with depression but with what I know about the disease, it's pretty definite that that is what I dealt with, and still deal with, but alas, I was never diagnosed and I will only be referencing it as being sad) and had a panic attack near every day. Also, I don't remember a ton about anything before high school. A lot of things will be forgotten as you get older, I know, but it's pretty alarming how little I do remember and the tone of the memories I do have. I don't know if I was a particularly sad or happy child, but I do remember being a very, very lonely child. I always had friends but I never felt like they, or anyone else in my life, would be permanent or even stick through a trying time. 

Anyway, why am I bringing this up? I don't know. Things are getting pretty rough for me. I'm still unable to find a job, or even get an interview for that matter. I am constantly trapped in this house that has never felt like a home. I don't have any friends here, and I don't have an escape. It's like I'm back where I started. When I went away to college, things started getting better and then they became great. I'd have minor relapses in my mental health, but they were so few and far between that I was able to handle it. Now it's not going so well. I've never felt so alone, or anxious, or sad. I sleep all the time because it's easier to escape what I'm living rather than deal with it. I have zero motivation to do what I once loved like workout or leave the house. I don't know why I'm even trying anymore. I'm going through the few motions I can muster and I'm not even doing those well, clearly. This is no way to live, but it's also the only way I know how to live right now? 

Thankfully, I do have supportive friends that live far away. We talk as much as possible and, bless their hearts, I must be bugging the crap out of them at this point. They try to be as supportive as possible, but it's hard when they don't know how bad it is? I'm drowning here. I know they can't save me, because this is my own fight. It's just nice to know that somebody's around to throw out a life jacket.

Race to the Castle: I'm Kinda Doing It?

Last week I admitted to being a failure. This week? I'm not as big of a failure! There were two days where I didn't make it out of the house, though. One was because of rain, and the other was because of unexpected (and unwanted, let's be real) family time. I was able to make one mile up on Sunday, so I'm happy about that. Hopefully I'll be able to make the other up tomorrow!

I'm still walking a lot of it, but I'm starting to get more comfortable with the tiny bits that I am running. I don't feel like I'm dying, so that should be a good sign! I'm hoping to be running close to a mile by the end of the month. That may be high hopes, but I think I can do it!

Now, I know this is supposed to be this whole Race to the Castle thing and whether or not I'll actually sign up. I know I have about two weeks left to decide this, but I think I'm going to. I'm going crazy without school, or a job, now, so I want something to work toward. I know this is a huge something, but I think I can do it, especially since I'm paying a lot of money for it.

That's all the update I have now. I'll talk to y'all soon!